Finding Faith: My Journey of Healing, Growth, and Rediscovery

rameriah
Jan 27
12 min read

Updated: Jan 29

Welcome to My Personal Journey!

Strengthen My Faith, Embrace the Journey!

Hey, ya'll! Welcome to my blog! I'm Ra'meria Ja'Moni, and I'm about to take you on a wild ride through my life as I dive headfirst into praising God in my 30s. Now, don't get it twisted—this isn't some brand-new chapter. I've been occupying those church pews, singing loudly in the choir, and attending church events as if it were my responsibility. But now, I'm on a mission to get to know the Big Guy upstairs on a personal level because, well, let's just say I've been a bit flexible with the rulebook. This blog is all about sharing my journey, with a side of how I stumbled into this epiphany. Spoiler alert: it's been a bumpy ride, and if you're in the know, you know it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows as I grow in my faith. But hey, I hope my story inspires the next young woman to strut down the path of righteousness a little sooner than I did.

Embracing Vulnerability

Now I am going to be honest with you. I do not personally like discussing myself and the various experiences and challenges that I go through on a daily basis. It can often feel uncomfortable to open up about my life and share my innermost thoughts and feelings. However, I have come to realize that this is a calling that I must answer, a responsibility that I cannot ignore, because it isn't for me to keep my insights and experiences to myself. They hold value that could potentially resonate with others who may be facing similar struggles. So in this chapter of my faith journey, I am consciously practicing being obedient to God's calling, even when it feels daunting. Eventually, this blog will evolve into a vlog, a visual representation of my thoughts and experiences, and from there, I hope to transition into a podcast. This is something that I was instructed to do initially, and while I may not yet feel fully prepared for such a leap, I am working my way up to that comfort level. It is a gradual process, one that requires me to step outside of my comfort zone and embrace vulnerability. I have always found joy in writing; it provides me with a safe space to articulate my thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Writing seems to be a more natural outlet for me, as it allows me to carefully choose my words and express myself without the immediate pressure of a face-to-face conversation. Through this journey, I hope to not only share my own experiences but also nurture a sense of community and connection with others who may be navigating their own faith journeys. I believe that by sharing our stories, we can uplift and inspire one another, creating a supportive environment where we can all grow together. This process of self-discovery and sharing is not just about me; it is about creating a dialogue that encourages openness and understanding. I look forward to the possibilities that lie ahead, and I am committed to embracing this path with an open heart and mind.

Early Life and Challenges

My childhood was filled with moments of joy and laughter, yet there were also times when I grappled with the feeling of being the odd one out, the black sheep of my family. Growing up as a young girl, this sense of alienation often translated into deep-seated feelings of worthlessness and confusion. I found myself questioning my place within the family dynamic, as if I was perpetually striving to meet an invisible standard that seemed to elude me. My achievements, which I considered significant milestones in my personal development, were rarely celebrated or acknowledged in the way I had hoped. Instead, they were treated as mere expectations, as if they were simply my duty to fulfill rather than accomplishments worthy of recognition.

I recall feeling a surge of pride after accomplishing something I worked hard for; yet that pride would quickly fade when it became evident that my efforts were met with indifference or, worse, silence. The only time I seemed to capture my family's attention was when I failed to meet their expectations. It was a confusing experience to navigate, as I was trapped in a cycle of seeking approval while simultaneously feeling that my successes were overshadowed by an unrelenting focus on my shortcomings.

This lack of acknowledgment instilled a sense of inadequacy in me. During those times, I was taught to pray, read my scriptures, and so on, but these practices also left me with numerous unanswered questions for my personal understanding. I would participate in these activities and still feel as though I wasn't experiencing what others described—feelings of joy, a sense of community, or any of those other things. This alone brought on doubt within myself and most importantly my faith because why when I pray my requests go unanswered yet again.

Moreover, I carried with me a myriad of questions—questions about my worth, my identity, and my place in the family. I longed for validation, for someone to recognize the effort I put into my pursuits, but instead, I felt like I was shouting into a void. The emotional weight of this experience was heavy, and it shaped my understanding of self-worth in profound ways.

As I transitioned into adulthood, I began to reflect on my childhood experiences with a new perspective. I came to understand that my parents, despite their shortcomings in recognizing my achievements, were doing the best they could with the knowledge and resources they had at the time. They were navigating their own challenges, and while their approach may not have aligned with my emotional needs, it was not born out of malice. This realization has been a crucial part of my healing process, allowing me to reconcile my feelings of worthlessness with a deeper understanding of the complexities of family dynamics and the individual struggles we all face.

The Turning Point

Now again, I’d like to remind you that seeking God in a personal manner is not one that I am unfamiliar with; however, I’d like to be disciplined in this practice since I am getting older and more aware of the importance of nurturing my spiritual life. As I reflect on my journey, I recognize that I know better, and therefore, I should strive to do better—not just for myself but, most importantly, to make my true Father, God, proud of His child. The sudden death of my eldest niece last spring was a profound shock that plunged me into an emotional turmoil I had not anticipated. Just a year prior, I found myself at my lowest point, struggling with a suicide attempt, consumed by an overwhelming anger toward everything in this world. If I am being honest, I still grapple with those feelings of anger and frustration. However, I want my response to these emotions to look differently this time around. During those harrowing weeks following my niece's passing, I found solace in the presence of my students, who provided comfort simply by being there. Their innocence and joy reminded me of the beauty that still exists in the world, even amidst pain. I also surrounded myself with family members who were physically present, as I struggled with the urge to curl up and disappear from the weight of my grief. Even if it wasn’t explicitly stated, I sensed that they needed me, and I did not want my loved ones to experience this profound hurt again, particularly because the thought of leaving them with such sorrow had crossed my mind several times. I was engulfed in shock and pain, feeling a deep confusion about the circumstances surrounding my niece's death. Most prominently, I felt disappointment because I had asked God to release me from this world, and instead, He took my niece—a sweet soul who had a beautiful life ahead of her and who genuinely desired to be here. In my heart, I wrestled with the notion that it should have been me instead of her. Instead of letting myself fall further into a pit of guilt and sorrow, I chose to turn to my Bible, finding comfort in learning more about Jesus and His teachings, even though I was angry with God for not saving her. Initially, the journey felt isolating, as if I did not belong in this sacred space because I had been disobedient to Him for so long. I felt defeated when comparing my personal experiences to the seemingly beautiful lives of others around me. However, regardless of these feelings, I made a commitment to myself: it is not about the perceptions of others; it is solely about the relationship between God and me. I recognized that this journey is deeply personal and requires dedication and introspection. In addition to my personal commitment, I am grateful for the unwavering support from my family and friends, who each have their own spiritual practices that enrich our collective experience. My eldest brother and sister are always engaging in discussions about the Word, sharing insights and lessons taught by our loving Father. We strive to understand the teachings of the Bible by comparing them to real-life situations, which allows us to connect our faith with our daily experiences. This communal approach not only strengthens our individual faith but also fortifies our bonds as a family, reminding us that we are not alone in our struggles and that together, we can navigate the complexities of life with God at the center of our hearts.

Growing Closer to God

Right after my 29th birthday, I found myself engulfed in an overwhelming sense of emptiness, a profound void that seemed to overshadow the joy that should have accompanied such a milestone. In the photographs taken during the celebrations, I appeared to be glowing and seemingly happy, a stark contrast to the turmoil brewing within me. This dissonance was largely rooted in my lingering disbelief and profound sorrow over the untimely death of my niece. Her passing had left a gaping hole in my heart, and I was grappling with the reality of it, trying to navigate through the waves of grief that crashed over me at unexpected moments. In an attempt to find solace and understanding, I turned to my Bible. Initially, my approach was quite structured; I would sit down with the intention of reading, but it often felt like a mechanical exercise. I would read passages, jotting down notes about anything that resonated with me, but despite my efforts, I struggled to feel a true sense of accomplishment or connection with the text. It was as if I was going through the motions without fully immersing myself in the spiritual journey. However, as time passed, I felt a shift in my approach. I decided to delve into the Gospel of St. Mark, drawn by the insights I had found about how to read the Bible, particularly when one is seeking to deepen their faith. St. Mark's account captivated me with its vivid portrayal of Jesus's journey, highlighting his healing ministry and the profound impact he had on those around him before his crucifixion on the cross. The narrative was rich with detail, showcasing not only the miracles he performed but also the compassion and understanding he exhibited towards every individual he encountered. I began to feel a spark of excitement igniting within me as I learned more about Jesus's character and the way he interacted with the world. His willingness to embrace the marginalized and the broken was particularly moving, and it opened my eyes to the possibility of hope and healing amidst my own grief. As I continued to explore the text, I was struck by the numerous promises that Jesus made to his followers. These promises were not mere words; they were transformative declarations that inspired faith and belief in God, regardless of one’s past or current struggles. I witnessed how people from all walks of life were drawn to him, their hearts ignited with a newfound belief that transcended their circumstances. This realization began to resonate deeply with me, and I felt a gradual shift in my perspective. The stories of healing and redemption became a source of comfort and strength, encouraging me to confront my pain with a sense of hope. Through the lens of St. Mark’s Gospel, I started to see the potential for renewal and the possibility of finding peace in the midst of my sorrow, a journey that I was beginning to embrace with an open heart.

During my journey, I struggled with self-doubt and a tumultuous inner dialogue, fearing I might not achieve my goals and dreading the possibility of disappointment. This unease weighed heavily on me, as I feared failing to meet my own expectations and letting others down. Doubts about my worthiness and faith eroded my confidence, while past disappointments resurfaced, amplifying my fears. Reflecting on the times when my efforts went unnoticed, I realized these experiences had left lasting scars. At a pivotal moment, I wrestled with these memories, questioning my determination. However, I understood that determination, strength, and self-belief were crucial for the journey ahead. Confronting my feelings of inadequacy, I recognized that setbacks do not define my value or potential. This led to me taking over four months to finish the book. I would read and then fall back as the emotions resurfaced from reflecting on past "unanswered" prayers or practices. My actual faith and trust in God were rooted in a sense of disappointment.

Although that might have been the start of my journey, I have embraced the new year by inviting God into my life with open arms and promptly redirecting my thoughts as they arise. I have dedicated the first three months of the year to a wonderful and inspiring group of women, with whom I regularly participate in Bible study sessions every Monday and Wednesday.This collective gathering has been nothing short of enlightening, as we dive deep into the scriptures, exploring their meanings and how they apply to our lives today. Each meeting is filled with thoughtful discussions, shared insights, and personal reflections that not only enrich our understanding of the biblical texts but also strengthen our bonds as fellow believers. The supportive atmosphere encourages open dialogue, allowing us to express our thoughts and questions freely, which has led to profound moments of revelation and growth for each of us. This experience has ignited a renewed excitement within me, making me eager to embrace the journey ahead. I find myself looking forward to each session, anticipating the wisdom we will uncover together and how it will shape our lives as we navigate the challenges and joys that come our way. The sense of community and shared purpose we cultivate during these gatherings is truly uplifting, and I feel blessed to be part of such a dynamic and faith-driven group.

The Impact on Mental Health

The struggle between flesh and spirit is ongoing. Anxiety and depression often try to pull me into patterns of fear and doubt, but my faith has been the anchor that keeps me grounded. When I’m tempted to rely on my own judgment or give in to negative thoughts, I’ve learned to pause and seek God instead.

One key breakthrough came when I realized the importance of renewing my mind daily. Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” This verse taught me that combating negative mental patterns requires intentional effort, including immersing myself in God’s Word and surrounding myself with a supportive faith community.

For instance, during one particularly low period, I began journaling my prayers and God’s responses as I understood them through scripture. This practice allowed me to process my emotions and see how God was working in my life, even when circumstances felt bleak. Over time, this habit strengthened my trust in Him and reminded me of His faithfulness.

I’ve discovered tools and resources that have been invaluable in strengthening my faith and mental well-being:

Scriptures

Romans 12:12: “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Philippians 4:6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Jeremiah 29:12: "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you".

2 Timothy 1:7: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.”

2 Chronicles 7:14: “If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land”.

Books
- How to Handle Your Emotions by June Hunt: This book was particularly impactful for me as it helped me navigate my self-perception and provided practical steps for managing challenging emotions in a way that aligns with God’s Word.
Practical Practices
1. Prayer Journaling: Writing out my prayers has been a therapeutic way to express my thoughts and track God’s faithfulness.
2. Meditation on Scripture: Spending quiet moments reflecting on specific verses has helped me internalize God’s promises.
3. Faith Community: Participating in a small group has provided me with encouragement, accountability, and a sense of belonging.

Mentally, I’ve felt more robust in my faith recently, and this journey has been transformative. In our group, we recently discussed how prayer is often an underrated tool, as many people, myself included, tend to turn to prayer only during hardships. This realization has opened my eyes to the importance of staying consistent in prayer, no matter the season.

As I’ve come to depend less on my own strength and more on God’s power, I’ve experienced a deeper sense of peace and purpose. My hope is that by sharing my journey, tools, and favorite scriptures, others may also find encouragement to lean on God and discover the mental and spiritual well-being that comes from walking in faith.

Conclusion

Life is like a rollercoaster, full of highs, lows, and twists that make you question everything. But here's what I've realized: it's okay not to have everything figured out. Faith and positive energy can keep you grounded when life gets chaotic, and you’re stronger than you realize. If you're having a tough time, take a deep breath and know you're not alone. Let's support each other—share your story if you're feeling courageous! Remember, even when it seems like everything's falling apart, the ride continues. Hang in there—you've got this!